I don’t understand this concept of “waiting to meet the right person.” I’m sorry (well, not sorry), but I’m not sitting around waiting for you. I have a whole life to live. I’m not putting my life on pause just because you’re not here. 

And I hope you’re not on pause waiting for me either. Wait on me? For what? To experience beautiful things? To chase your dreams? To take a chance? 

Listen, I’m dying to go on an African safari. To see elephants and tigers and giraffes. I cry just looking at my friends’ photos of their trips. I’m not going to wait up on you for that. Why would I?

I’ve done enough work to realize that we all have shitty parts. I don’t expect you to be perfect. Please don’t expect that I am, either. No one ever sees the worst parts off the bat. We’re too busy seeing each other in those rose colored glasses. So I thought, let me save us both some time. I’ll just tell you about my worst parts, right off the bat, so you know what you’re getting into.

I think I’ve been running from you my whole life. As much as I say I want us to find each other and be together, my feet have been moving in the other direction turn after turn.

It’s like right when I get an inkling that I’m getting closer to you, my body pivots and turns away. And as I think back, I can see all these lies I’ve told myself to justify and fuel my running away.

“I don't need anyone.”

When I was a teenager, I never had those dreams and fantasies of having a life with someone I loved. I come from a divorced family, and no one in my extended family had what even closely resembled a successful relationship, so it wasn’t really something I wanted at all.

Intimacy? Let people get to know me? Never heard of it, no thanks. I was fine with just me, my drugs, some booze, and my journal. I was angry, and my refrain was “leave me (the fuck) alone.”

You know that innocent, “I can’t live without you, you complete me” kind of love? Yea, I used to want that, but not anymore. 

I want someone who knows the crushing feeling of heartbreak. Someone who has had to claw their way out from the depths of despair. Someone who has had to wonder if they’d ever not be sad again. 

Maybe you relate from when you first realized that who you thought was your person, actually wasn’t. Maybe from back when you said I do and then had to reckon with all the disentangling when you realized you don’t. Maybe your side never changed, but theirs did. Or, maybe, they’re not even here anymore to have a side. 

Hi. It’s wild to think that you’re on the planet already. Like, you actually do exist, right now, as I’m writing this. That’s a wild concept. Cause now it feels like this energy I’m putting into this is actually going somewhere.

And to be honest, it’s scary to think it’s ending up all the way to you. There’s still some fear, for sure. Sometimes I think I need to be perfect before I can be in a relationship with you. I know that’s not true. I’m just tired.

I hope you like napping like I do. Or– if you like cooking! Omg, if you like cooking, and you cook while I take a nap, I think that’s all we’ll need. Because I will wake up with such appreciation and gratitude and shower it all upon you. If you’re having a bad day or feeling down about yourself, just make me food while I’m sleeping and I’ll make sure you know EXACTLY what type of rockstar you are when I wake up.