Letter to My Future Partner: My Worst Parts - #4
Photo by Allison Melnik Photography
I’ve done enough work to realize that we all have shitty parts. I don’t expect you to be perfect. Please don’t expect that I am, either. No one ever sees the worst parts off the bat. We’re too busy seeing each other in those rose colored glasses. So I thought, let me save us both some time. I’ll just tell you about my worst parts, right off the bat, so you know what you’re getting into:
Me time
I need a lot of me time. If I don’t get enough, I get super moody. Maybe even passive aggressive like a teenager who is having a hormonal, existential crisis out of the blue and cannot effectively communicate any of it.
I’m really deep. Which I know can be pretty intense and offputting to some people. But it’s just how I’m wired. Like, I don’t really know how to do the shallow thing. Well, I do, I just lean a lot more towards super deep shit.
If I’m not being super deep, I’m probably being really sarcastic. And I laugh at my own jokes, often.
Always cold
I’m always cold. My thermostat is set to about 80. And I might have a space heater going on top of that. That’s a relationship compatibility factor that goes undiscussed too often, in my warm humble opinion. Don’t mind me if I bring a jacket with me even in the middle of summer. It might get windy and breezes like that can get kinda cold and I’m not up for it.
Speaking of cold, I’m not sure if I still get seasonal depression in the winter, but I definitely don’t like it.
Mornings
When I make my eggs in the morning, I make it with cheese. And I burn it. Apparently some people think this is a mistake. Or they say it smells bad. I haven’t noticed. It’s the best way to start the day.
When it’s mealtime, I’m told I’m somewhat of a scarfer. And I make some noises. Not like chewing with my mouth open noises. It’s more like nonverbal “OMG this is so amazing I’m so happy I’m eating this right now” noises. Which I guess can be annoying. I’m normally too busy eating to hear it myself.
Speaking of the morning, I’m kind of grumpy when I first wake up. Okay maybe not grumpy, but I need some time before I feel like talking. Even Luca knows this. That’s why we communicate nonverbally. Two pats on the bed means come up and cuddle. She jumps up and we snuggle. No words needed.
Cuddling is my favorite thing ever. It might get annoying. (Even Lou sometimes is over it before I am.) I’m not apologizing.
Songs on repeat
When I find a new song I like, I play it on repeat. For hours. It could even be days. I don’t get tired of it. I found the loop button on YouTube just for this purpose. And if the song isn’t actually playing, I might just keep singing out loud this one specific part of it over and over again. This is quite natural and pleasurable when I’m alone doing this. But when there’s someone else within earshot, I’m told it’s quite rage-inducing.
Running late
You know how some people in your life are always on time, or even 5 minutes early? That’s not me. I run late more often than I’d like to admit. I’m working on it though. I want to be one of those people that says “Hey, I’m running late” and you go, “Wow, that’s a first. Are you okay?”
Not neat
I’ve recently learned there's a difference between being organized and being tidy. I won’t waste your time with definitions, and instead I’ll just tell you that I’m not either of them.
Something in me craves a little bit of a mess. I tend to have my books and my journals strewn all about. I might have 5 different books and 3 journals on the bed or nightstand all at once. I mean, what If I get a thought and need to write in that specific journal? Or what if I’m lying in bed and I specifically want to read that book, even if I haven’t even started it yet. What if tonight is the night that I’ll finish it all in one sitting, but I just don’t feel like getting up to get it? I want to be ready.
I definitely need my own space where I can have a little bit of my paper chaos and cluttery. I have a thing with keeping papers. A receipt from that one special dinner, oh my god, yes, it reminds me of that one dinner we had at that one sushi restaurant, and that amazing virgin moscow mule they made me, and do you remember that waitress?? She was so amazing. I’ve gotten better. But it’s hard to let some of that stuff go.
I’m like a 60/40 on keeping plants alive.
Indecisive
I’m pretty indecisive sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. Please don’t ask me what I want to eat for dinner. I never know the answer until it’s too late and I’m just ravenously hangry and just need to eat something. Anything. But not tacos.
You’re probably going to want to send me the menu of where we’re going for dinner in advance. Otherwise, may god bless you with patience.
Simple questions I sometimes need time to soak in and think about. Even a simple, “Do you want to come with me to the store?” might catch me like a deer in headlights while I’m really trying to ask myself what my most true response actually is.
Homebody
I sleep a lot. It might seem like I’m lazy. It’s just what my body needs. I’m always up for a midday nap. Late morning nap? Early evening nap? Now you’re talking dirty to me.
When there’s a bug in the room, I’ll insist that you don’t kill it. And if you do, I’ll probably be mad and need some time to get over it and stop saying, “Why’d you have to kill him though?” Just tell me and I’ll find a way to catch it and bring it outside. Unless it’s one of those fast creepy crawlies with a million legs. Those things freak me out. Please kill it so it doesn’t haunt me in my sleep.
I ask the same questions sometimes. I’m sorry, I forget. It’s just that I genuinely want to know but I forgot your answer.
I’m a homebody, and on the surface, probably seem pretty boring. I like to read and do jig-saw puzzles at home. Home is my happy place, even on a Friday night. But then other times, I like to jump out of planes or travel the world with just a backpack on. Idk, good luck figuring that one out.
Not someone you’d call “energy efficient”
I tend to leave the lights on around the apartment even for rooms I’m not specifically in. But it’s not that I forgot to turn it off, it’s that I like the feeling it gives to have that light on. Maybe I’m about to go in there and I want the light on already? It’s not that I forgot to turn it off.
In the middle of the summer, I sometimes drive with the AC on and the windows open. I’m not wasting energy; I’m fully enjoying them both at the same time.
I put on my blinkers even in parking lots. I regularly hit the “scan” button on the radio, and let it do its thing.
I like to nap. We already went over that.
Speaking up
Sometimes I might want you around, but not to talk or do anything together. I don’t have a sophisticated reason or answer for why. Sometimes it’s just for the sake of you being there next to me.
Sometimes it’s hard to speak up for myself. Asking for help or asking for what I need is still fairly new. I’m working on it, but I’ve still had a lot more years practicing how to stay quiet than how to speak up. So sometimes I still struggle with it.
I know a weekend away from the world and without our phones might sound like a great idea, but I have people who depend on me, who look up to me. And I’ve got to be there for them. So I might need to still step away and make some phone calls, even if it’s our weekend getaway.
I can be pretty hard on myself. And if you’re the one who gets a front row seat to it day after day, I bet that can get old quick.
I don’t always answer texts right away. If they needed an immediate answer, wouldn’t they call me instead? I try to not live with my phone in my face all the time.
I’m not really into makeup much these days. I go in phases. Pretty low maintenance on that appearance stuff. But I do get my hair did every few months! And I always insist that they let me help sweep up the hair so I can play with the cool vacuum sucker upper thing.
Energy
I like to do a lot. Sometimes I’m really busy day after day and am not home for long before I’m out again.
Sometimes I have a lot of energy. Like, out in public. Sometimes it might feel exhausting, like, “Why can’t we just order the damn pancakes without you striking up a convo with the waiter about God knows what random shit?” Or “Why do you have to see something that gets you excited all the time? We’re just going to the store.” It could get annoying. I’m not doing it on purpose. Well, it is on purpose, but not in a purposefully forced way–it just comes out of me, I can’t help it sometimes.
I’m kind of frugal. I don’t like buying stuff and spending lots of money, usually. Especially not on myself (I’ve come a long way on this).
And sometimes I bring my own takeout containers to restaurants. Sorry, not sorry.