On New Year's Eve, Melissa and Paul will be celebrating 20 years of marriage. I recently got to spend a long weekend with them in Chicago and discovered an interesting answer to the question of, “How do y’all make it work after so long?”

“Make stuff up.”

In its most basic explanation, I’d say that these are two people who have never fully grown up–and I mean that in the best way possible. They’ve never settled into a life of boredom and predictability with the “traditional” way of doing things. They’re committed to having a life of fun together.  

It goes back to a night they went out to dinner just before they got married. They were sitting next to a couple who barely had anything to say to each other the whole dinner. They seemed so boring and lifeless, like there was nothing left to discover about each other, nothing left to talk about. In that moment, Melissa and Paul made a pact with each other to never turn into that couple.

And if worse comes to worse where there doesn’t seem to be anything to talk about, “We just make stuff up,” Melissa explains. 

For instance, when they’re out for dinner and separating their wooden chopsticks for sushi, they make a game out of who can separate their sticks more perfectly. And if the waiter doesn’t tell their name, they take turns guessing what it could be and see who gets closer. 

But they never keep a tally of who wins. It’s not about winning; it’s just about playing. Amidst all the responsibilities and real life challenges of daily life, they’re always finding a game to play, or something to laugh at together.

That playfulness has carried them a long way. 

“If we’re still together by then…”

When they’d first started dating, neither of them had an automatic, “You are my person forever,” type of realization. But even while they were dating other people, they felt themselves consistently pulled towards each other. They just liked hanging out together; it felt natural. 

There’s a running joke about how Melissa would invite Paul out for future plans, maybe to a concert or show, and the response from Paul would be, “Sure, I’d love to go if we’re still dating by then.” To this day when asking Paul about whether he’d like to do something the following week, he playfully responds with, “Sure, if we’re still together by then.”

They’re playful, and it shows even in the mundane aspects of daily life. They just have fun together. 

Forging their own path without kids, and with so much else

With such a fun attitude, it might seem like they’d be the perfect couple to raise kids–and maybe they would be, since they’re the ones at pool parties screaming “CANNONBALL!!” before plunging into the water with reckless abandon while all the parents are sitting on deckchairs reading books. 

But they agreed early on that they both didn’t want to have kids. Instead, they enjoy visiting family’s children and then coming back home to a peacefully quiet house. That, and their life is so full of love and adventure even without having children.

Showering love on the pups

Melissa and Paul shower all their love on the dogs they’ve had over the years. For a long while it was Jester, Mel’s soul-dog. His picture is still hanging on the living room wall. 

When he passed, Shadow took over the position of Lucky Recipient of All Their Love. Between playdates with other dogs in the neighborhood, scheduled runs around the block to try to put a dent in his never-ending energy reserves, sleepovers with other pup friends, and a front lawn made into an artificial turf plot so the rain never needs to get in the way of more playing–this dog lives a good life. 

Melissa can tell you everything about each dog that lives in her neighborhood, and a little about their owners, too. 

That, and the couple has multiple saltwater aquarium set ups with some rad fish and corals (did you know coral is an animal, not a plant? I had NO idea until I saw it strangle and eat its food…).

Travel and adventure

Probably more than anything else, the couple loves traveling and making it a point to enjoy life together. They’re constantly having new adventures (like SCUBA diving every chance they get)  and traveling to new cities. They never get tired of going to concerts and Cubs baseball games. 

Melissa: Big smile, lots of laughs, no bullshit

Melissa turned 50 this year. She’s routinely at the CrossFit gym down the road, where she gives many of the young bucks (like myself) a run for their money…but of course not before saying hi to the gym dog sitting so nicely in the corner. 

(That, and it must say something cool about her if she wants to hang out with a 30-year-old whippersnapper like me for a weekend? Gemini soul sistas! #onedayapart.) 

Melissa has a way of saying exactly what she’s thinking. She doesn't hide it or dance around the truth. She has an alpha, yet empathetic and intuitive, energy about her that's powered her for decades in her sales career. She has a way of making people feel understood, and also a way to hold her own when toe-to-toe with company executives who probably don’t expect as much of a leadership vibe when they see her at first glance: Big smile, lots of laughs, and no bullshit. 

Paul: CEO, Chef-Extraordinaire, Car Enthusiast

Meanwhile, Paul is the CEO of a technology company, an amazing chef, and the holder of lots of fun facts—like how the pizzeria we went to is the #1 seller of Jameson Whiskey’s– not just in the country, but in the world (even outside of Ireland– wild), and how you’re not going to find better biscuits in Chicago than at Bang Bang (really, they’re amazing).

He sleeps in on the weekend, catching up from starting work at 5am during the week to meet with his international team, based in India. He’s an easygoing guy who majority of the time is down for a random adventure with no questions asked.

Paul has a fancy racing car (a Porsche he’s only driven for a handful of miles since he’s had it), but what cracked me up was the little garage parking aid he has set up. While most people might tie a (boring and basic) tennis ball from the ceiling to indicate when they’re pulled into the garage enough, Paul has a bright green plush frog tied to a string instead. 

Tell me–how many Porsches there are in the world that have ever had their windshields touch a bright green kids frog toy like that?! 

Giving each other space

The 20-year married couple gives each other space in a really beautiful way.

They sit on the couch in the evening together, and if Mel wants to watch a movie that Paul doesn’t care for, it’s no biggie. He doesn’t force himself to sit there and watch it “out of love.” He goes downstairs and plays video games. And there’s no underlying resentment or anything about it–they want each other to be happy.

And if they need more time together (love language stuff), they just ask for it. 

It doesn’t need to be perfect in order to work

Whenever I compliment them on how beautiful their relationship is, Melissa will be the first to make sure it’s clear that they don’t have a perfect marriage, that it hasn’t always been rainbows. They’ve had their share of hard times. But somehow, they’re committed to always pulling through together, despite the obstacles. Melissa says it almost feels like the first 10 years and the last 10 years together feel like two separate marriages in how much closer she and Paul have become.

(In her books, author and relationship therapist Esther Perel says this sentiment is isn’t entirely unique for happy couples: "Most people are going to have two or three marriages or committed relationships in their adult life. Some of us will have them with the same person.")

In other words, if you’re not changing and changing together, if things are staying completely the same—that might be the more threatening thing to a relationship than the changes it endures over time.

Hearing the same stories in a new way

Melissa turns her head to look at and listen to Paul as he tells a story she’s probably heard a thousand times by now.  I mention how touching it is that even after 20 years, their eye contact and desire to listen to each other is still as present as newlyweds who are still freshly enamored with each other. 

“I want to hear how he tells the story. Even though I was there when it happened, he might have different parts that stand out to him. I want to hear how he would tell it,” she says.

After 20 years, how beautiful it is to still feel like there’s so much more to discover about each other, that it’s worth paying each other that attention (please hold as I swoon).

An inspiration to me

To Melissa and Paul: You inspire me–not because you have a perfect marriage, but because you both embrace each other's imperfections, quirks, and hangups with love, tenderness, and playfulness. 

Happy (early) anniversary....and also, I really hope I’m as cool as you when I’m 50.