I’ve been practicing some new phone and social media habits for a few months now that have had a really positive impact on me that I thought were worth sharing. It started when I went camping during the summer and spent two days without internet reception. 

When I came back and talked about my trip with friends, the word that came to mind to describe it was “glorious.” I know, dramatic, right?

It was a great time. Some of it was the company, the community, the playing around on those big water obstacle races along with the 10-year-olds (who schooled me, by the way), the lying on the ground watching shooting stars in the wee hours of the morning. But reflecting on it when I got back, a big part of why it gave me so much joy was rooted in how I was not on my phone.

It was like I was detoxing. I came back feeling new, fresh, and didn’t want to just jump back in where I left off.

I know. Nothing you haven’t heard before. (Does anyone who has spent time away from their phone ever come back and say how much they missed it?)

Anyway, it made me start to think more critically about the role of my phone and social media in my daily life. And no, what I’m not about to say is that it’s all the devil and that I’m throwing my phone out the window. 

But what I did realize for me is that I end up using it as a means of distraction from creating or doing something that's really meaningful for me. That time at camp, I talked to folks; I walked around; I read first thing in the morning and before bed; I did lots of writing and thinking and feeling, too.

Now, yes, I do that all already. But what I’m saying is that I started recognizing that the way I’d been using my device was not my ideal, balanced state.

I realize that during a typical week, when I finish a call or a meeting at work, I automatically grab my phone, like it’s robotic. What am I checking for? What am I hoping to find?

Really, I notice I mostly pick up my phone not looking for anything, not needing anything. Maybe I'm just hoping that someone or something needs something from me, my attention, or what have you. It gives me some kind of jolt. 

And it feels so good — when it works. I can feel how it jolts my brain, that dopamine hit. But after a few empty pickups with nothing new going on, I start feeling like a junkie: craving, craving, looking for one more thing to steal my attention and give me that same kick. And I don't want to be like that. 

So I’ve made some changes to the way I use my phone and social media since I got back. Not that this is right for anyone else, or even that these habits are what will long term be “right” for me, but just as some things I'm exploring, questioning, and experimenting with.

Here I’ll share some of my personal “rules” or habits that I’ve created around using my phone and social media. Some of which are old, some are new. All of which are subject to revision.

There were also some non-phone-related highlights that I’ll share from that trip, too, because they might have not happened if not for that blank space my phone left behind.

1. Putting my phone in grayscale mode

Grayscale mode is basically a way to make your phone display only black and white (and gradients of gray) instead of color. The point of grayscale is to make your phone a lot less interesting, and thereby, addictive.

After all, engineers are being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to find ways to tap into my subconscious and keep my brain chemistry hooked on the phone. Alerts are loud, intrusive, and urgency-inducing: all the colors (RED, RED, RED), notifications, and badges are designed that way for a reason.

I’d tried this for a short stint a few years ago when I read how it was a way to not be so hooked to my phone, but it didn’t stick. Since I’ve gotten back from my camping trip though, I’ve primarily kept my phone on grayscale mode. At first it was unbearable how boring my phone became (in other words-- the trick started working), but now after several months, it’s become my new normal. 

When I use any apps or social media, it takes a lot of my life and the urgency out of it. Without the color there, I don’t immediately realize I have a message or alert about a new like or follow. All of a sudden, it feels a lot quieter. It feels like less things are shouting at me for my attention with every click I make. And because of that, I naturally use the apps less.

(Side note: This reminds me of a trip I took to Hilton Head a number of years back and noticed how businesses couldn’t have bright flashy signs. They were all plain and in the same color scheme. And I commented how much calmer I felt without everything screaming for attention everywhere I looked.)

That’s an important distinction for me: it’s not about artificially avoiding the apps because I should, but instead, it’s about creating the conditions for me to naturally not gravitate towards them.

Anyway, this has been a huge shift. I sometimes need to toggle color back on because of something specific I’m doing that requires the distinction and urgency that color creates (like when I’m using the GPS, the lack of color makes the phone so dull that I can’t easily make out the directions I should be taking). Every time I do this, I can only describe the experience as if it’s like someone turned on the bright lights of your bedroom right in the middle of the night: it’s almost like it’s too bright, and you need to shield your eyes from it. It’s pretty wild. But I like it.

(Side note again: This also makes it really interesting to think of what the online world is like for people who are color blind. I’d bet they don’t have the crazy spikes of dopamine, nor the addictive habits that the engineers construct for the color-seeing world.)

2. Keep phone more than an arm’s length away

If you’d have told me at surface value whether having my phone within arms length or not would make a big difference in how often I use it, I might have laughed. Psh, what’s the difference between my phone being a couple inches versus a couple feet away?

Turns out it makes a big difference. For instance, keeping my phone far enough away from me that I need to get up and walk to go get it makes me so much more conscious of how often I’m using it during the day. I can’t just mindlessly reach over on my desk for it out of habit, hoping there’s something there that’ll catch my interest and give me some dopamine. 

So whenever possible, I try to put some physical distance between me and my phone these days. 

3. Asking myself what I’m looking for 

A habit I’ve been working to incorporate is just before I pick up my phone and before I even turn it over where I can see my home screen, I’ll ask myself what I’m really looking for.

Many times, there’s not a defined answer. I’m just hoping to have something I need to do-- someone I need to call back, a message to respond to, whatever, (by the way, I keep social media notifications off, see point below), but often there’s not an intentional, active action that I’m looking to make, like calling someone or needing to look something up online.

When I take that pause, again, it just makes me that much more aware of how the phone is deciding my behavior instead of vice versa. 

That dopamine dependence is wild. I’m working on reading a page of a book instead of checking my phone for my breaks from work, when I’m using the bathroom, or when I just need a moment to disconnect. It’s small, but it’s enough.

4. No social media alerts

This is a habit I’ve already followed for years: not having badges, alerts, or push notifications for social media updates, and this makes a big difference in what my normal baseline of social media usage was even before my trip.

I don’t need to know the moment each and every person likes or has feedback about something I put on social media. By turning off my alerts, it’s my way of setting a boundary. It’s saying, I’ll get to this when I’m in a good headspace for it, I don't need it randomly interrupting my day.

Of course, I get the notification when I log into whatever app anyway, but again, it’s putting more space between me and the attention-grabbing things invading my space. Instead, I go to it on my own terms.

5. My rules for posting on social media

I’ve given plenty of thought lately to what’s worth posting ad sharing on social media.

I want my contributions to the digital world to mean something. I want them to be something I’m proud of. 

Looking back at even the last year or two, I’ve noticed that sometimes I’ve shared or reposted something mostly out of a feeling of obligation. For example, when big political or cultural movements were happening, it was like everyone needed to declare what side of the fence they’re on, and I did that, just because I felt like I had to. I don't want to be like that anymore. 

On top of that, I realize there’s just so much noise out there (cue Switchfoot song: Adding to the noise) and I don't want to add to the noise.

So I typically have 2 rules for posting: 

1. It’s something I personally want to remember. 

I probably spend more time stalking my own page than the time I spend on everyone else’s combined. I look back on my own stuff. I just love seeing how far I've come and what used to be top of mind for me. So if I want to remember it, if it's something that is meaningful to me that I want to remember and if it's something that I'm proud of, it’s worth posting for me alone, regardless of if anyone else likes it.

2. It’s something worth taking up people’s time for

Before I post, I try to remember that time is a non-renewable resource. People have limited amounts of it, and people’s attention is how that’s manifested online. So when I post, I need to be proud of the fact that I'm taking people's attention for that blip of time for that purpose. People are giving me their attention and time for that short period, and they will never get it back. I want to be a good steward of it. 

When you think of it like that, it's kind of serious business posting out to the digital universe. And I'm not saying everything needs to be serious, but it at least should be given some thought and reverence before just mindlessly posting just because.

6. What’s actually important? 

When I got back from my camping trip, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time that I’d gone more than a day without checking Instagram, and I asked myself what it was that kept me going every single day. And behold, from the heavens came down my answer: I’d check it less frequently, but I don’t want to miss out on something important.

And precisely when I realized that is when I could envision the engineers, listening, and applauding. That’s EXACTLY what they want me to feel. That’s exactly the pull they artificially created. Intentionally.

Add on top of that, there’s “Stories” that are only there for 24 hours. So if I don’t log in, I'll never see it. Clever, you digital engineers. 
So then I needed to think, how important is it really?

For every good update that’s actually worth knowing, like a friend getting engaged, there’s hours and hours spent on mindless scrolling.

It makes me think, how important are those updates, really? 

If we were really close, wouldn’t I know about it? 

Maybe that's part of it– there is just such a wealth of information out there. You think of how many millions of hours of video and audio and podcast and how many photos can be taken every single day. It’s like books: in my lifetime, I will never have time to consume them all. 

It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I have to be a little more selective. 

I don't know. It's definitely interesting to me to think about. And I like it too. Like, I like the space back. I like the space in between. I like not needing to be pulled towards like hearing everything that everyone is doing in their life. I just don't care. And some people like care. But, you know, in the first day like the cat that died and like

7. My grandma doesn’t have FOMO

Then I think of my grandma–she doesn't worry about missing out on people's lives. The important stuff she knows she'll hear about.

She still has a flip phone. And she keeps a little sticker over the camera lens, just to be sure. She turns her phone off at 8pm every night. She’s not on the internet. Every now and then I send her a text, because I know she can read them, she just isn’t good at sending one back. But once in a blue moon, she does manage to reply. And I’m always so impressed that I nearly want to pick up the phone and call her anyway.

Anyway, my grandma doesn’t worry about missing out. She doesn’t stress about being in the know about everything right at the set time. We have regular phone calls where we’ll catch up.

Everything she wants to know, I tell her. Everything I want to share, she listens to. 

I told her I was writing this article, and we agreed that I’d print it out and send it to her.

8. Posts private for only me

Sometimes I post things (unfortunately only FB has this option currently) where I can choose that it’s just for me. I feel like it’s got to be the most underutilized function of the platform. Of course, the engineers are always pushing us: Why would you not share that with the world? Have a thought? A memory? Something you’re excited about? Why would you not share it? 

But I keep things private all the time. I don’t know, it feels like a secret between me and me. It's something I want to remember, but not something I want to have feedback on, at least, not just yet. What I think about it is enough. It has enough meaning just to me. Even if no one else knows about it. It’s almost like when you travel alone, and you have all these memories that are just yours. They’re not shared with anyone, unless you want them to.

9. Regularly unfollow accounts

I’ve regularly had a practice of unfollowing accounts. I have a number of 400 accounts I follow, it’s pretty arbitrary when I think of it, and whenever I reach it, I do an “audit” and look back at who I don’t really benefit from following anymore. And I’ll unfollow accounts left and right. 

(By the way, am I the only one who, when I follow someone new who is only following a dozen people, I like to see who it is that made the cut on their list?)

I use a couple rules to help decide who I follow. One is that real people in my life tend to get preference over celebrities or whatever popular accounts or famous people. Because those connections actually mean something in my physical world.

Then, I look at all the ones that don’t really serve me anymore. It’s true. When I first signed up for IG, I followed a certain type of account, it was meant to be all fitness, calisthenics-based athletes to keep me inspired. Since then, my needs have changed. I don't need so much of that inspiration: I’m pretty fit and happy with it. Instead, now I follow other accounts that lighten me up.

For a while it was a bunch of skateboarding stuff. Then a bunch of writing stuff. Lately, it's been a bunch of drummers and nature stuff.

It's okay to change and grow. And sometimes you need to let go of the old to make room for the new.

10. Using it to connect more meaningfully with people

Social media is a massively powerful tool for connection– if used the right way. And for me, keeping tabs on that is the hard part. Whenever I can, I try to remember that that’s my goal, and that often puts FaceTime at a higher importance and preference over a call. And a call at a higher preference over a text. A message at a higher preference over a like. 

11. Being aware of the time spent/setting limits

I actually enjoy the alerts with limits I can put on different apps. That screen time report (if you’re on iOs), is something, ain’t it? For me, seeing that I was spending nearly an hour on this app, every day, 7 hours a week, something hit me.

I have really meaningful things I want to do and create and contribute to the world. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I use those apps as a distraction from that work. Sure, sometimes that distraction for me is great and exactly what I need. But I had to give a hard look at why I feel the need to check this thing every single day. Multiple times a day for things I don’t even care about, when I have passions that keep stirring in me that I need to create and put out there.

Non-social media highlights from that trip

Like I said, a few highlights just for the sake of sharing, that wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t create that phone-less space.

1. Watching shooting stars reminded me of lawn pass outs

The last night of my trip I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. On my way back to my tent, I couldn't help but realize how many stars were up there in the sky. I decided, what the heck, let me lie down outside and have a nice look at it. I laid there for maybe a half hour and saw a couple shooting stars. It was exhilarating. Something about seeing a shooting star is as close to a direct shot in my veins. It wakes me up. I feel it in my whole body. 

I considered lying there all night, right in the middle of the campground, and I thought how funny it would be if I fell asleep right there, and what people might think if they found me lying there asleep in the morning. At first, I almost felt like I couldn’t do that, because of how embarrassing that’d be.

But then I remembered back to my former life, when I was getting drunk or high and literally passing out on random lawns. No, today, I’d be proud if someone found me asleep on the lawn in the morning, because I’d get to tell them how they missed out on a hell of a meteor shower the night before.

2. Perfectly sized, cozy tents

I had the smallest tent in the campground. It was actually something I thought was pretty adorable, and a proud point for me. It feels good to not need much and still be perfectly content. I had everything I needed in this little space. I just got such a kick of how I tented right near my friends, who had the biggest tent of the whole group. Loved it. Luckily when we were leaving, my little tent was so easy to pack up and put away that I had time to help them with their behemoth. 

So who really got the long end of the stick on that one?

I’m still figuring it out- all these thoughts are subject to revision

I don't have it all figured out when it comes to how to best use technology in a productive way. I'm very much a work in progress. I want to connect with people, and I want to do that in a productive way. A way that doesn’t come at the cost of a lot of mindless, numbing scrolling space, and I don't like that. I want that time back so I can create some meaningful stuff.

Like I said, all my thoughts here (and everywhere) are subject to revision.

Anyway, I’ve got to go. I promised my Grandma I’d print out this story so I could mail it to her, since she won’t be finding it online.