Being single gets a bad rap. It’s painted as if being single is the intermission between the two parts of the show: just a time to go pee and grab some snacks, but nothing too important is going on, you’re not going to miss anything. It’s as if being single is looked at like the brief moments while you’re waiting on the train platform for the next train to pick you up, like it’s just about killing time before you get to your real destination. It’s as if the best moments in your life are only going to be when you have a partner by your side. 
That’s all a load of crap.

Being single is totally underrated. It took me being happily single for some time after the end of a relationship for me to realize that. So a couple things I’ll talk about here from my own experience:

• My journey with singlehood

• How singlehood is about finding (or rather, creating) yourself

• How singlehood doesn’t mean you failed or have no worth as a partner 

• Perks to being single

• Thoughts on singlehood and dating (oh so fun!)

• And why singlehood is mostly about having fun

But in case you don’t make it through everything, let me sum up the most important thing I have to say about singlehood. Here’s my philosophy:

The goal of singlehood isn’t to finally find a partner 

The goal of being single is to find the best version of myself, that will then naturally attract the right people to my life. 

With that, let’s dive in!

A short history of my path with singlehood

I got into my first real relationship when I was 19 years old and only a few months out of the closet and openly gay. To say I had no idea who I really was might be an understatement: I was such a kid! I was only just jumping into the world of being an adult and standing on my own two feet and creating my own values, habits, and goals for my life. Not having those things already figured out meant it was easy for me to just “go with the flow” in the relationship instead of stand up for things that really mattered to me.

Long story short–that relationship ended (crashed and burned) 7 years later, with me rising from the ashes realizing I had never done the work of really finding out who I really was: who I wanted to be in a relationship with, what type of relationship I wanted to be in, what were my deal breakers, my non-negotiables, what feels good, what doesn’t. 

There was a lot to uncover that I hadn’t taken the time to really dive into without being attached to an outcome of wanting it to fit within the box of the relationship I was already in. So in many ways, I shortchanged myself out of fear and out of convenience. Why rustle feathers, why speak up about something that’s bothering me, if it’ll put the whole relationship in jeopardy? Is it really worth doing the digging and forming something new with someone else all over again? 

For a long time, the answer was no. Until, it wasn’t anymore: the pain of growing up and not fitting into the same mold as when I was a teenager was greater than the pain of starting over again, unsure of where I’d end up.

[Mind you, this isn’t advice for anyone, this is just sharing my experience. In many cases, you can communicate, negotiate, and grow and adapt together with your partner as you change over the years. In other cases, that isn’t always possible, and it could be better to cut your losses and start again.]

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself 

It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t have the best relationship with myself, and that that was the most important relationship I could ever invest in. 

Like I mentioned above, being single is about discovering who I am, and learning to love and accept myself before I can really open myself up to a healthy dynamic with someone else. It’s taken me a lot of work to do this, but I can now say that I love myself more than I ever have before–quirks and all. And by me having a more solidified sense of home within me, it’ll be a lot less likely that I let that go for the sake of someone else’s conditional acceptance or approval of me. 

I’d much rather lose anyone else than lose myself. Because at the end of the day, with all that comes and goes, I’m the one I’m stuck with each step of the way. So it’s more important that I first get along well with that co-traveler (myself) than any partner.

Singleness is about finding (creating) yourself first

Being single is about doing the work now to be the best version of myself that I may or may not take into a relationship someday. It’s all the behind the scenes work, like all that time pro athletes put into perfecting their skills when there isn't anyone there watching them.

This time in singlehood for me has been about creating my own sets of values and goals for my life. It involves taking an honest look at the beliefs I’ve been handed down from family, friends, and past relationships and judging whether they still serve me, or whether it’s time to rewrite them.

And listen, a lot of that is hard work. It’s about cleaning out the baggage of my past, my traumas, and my triggers so I don’t need to project them onto someone else.

It’s about not needing to have someone else around so that I feel whole or worthy or complete because I’ve done the work to feel at peace within myself first. It’s about knowing how to come from a place of being full already, and being in a place where having a relationship isn’t a requirement in order to be happy or feel fulfilled in my life. 

It probably sounds selfish, and it probably is. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. When you’re single, you’re able to really focus on yourself and get to know yourself in a way you might never have the opportunity to do when you’re in a relationship. 

You get to learn about what you like, what you don’t , what you want to change in yourself, and what you’re content with. You get to be the master of your time and spend it where it feels the best for you, where you get the best returns on it, whether or not that makes sense to anyone else.

Building friendships

When you’re single, you can focus on building friendships in a way that’s going to benefit you the rest of your life. I’ve been able to spend more time building new relationships and fostering old ones because I don't have a bunch of other responsibilities to another person in my life. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to show up as a friend better than I ever have before. At the end of the day, friendships are what get you from the low ends of one relationship to the highs of another, and everything in between. 

So don't skimp on friends thinking that you’re just looking for a romantic connection. I’ve made amazing friends in my time being single who have helped me continue to grow and challenge myself in new ways, and we have lots of fun in the process.

Making a place really feel like yours

When you’re single and living on your own, you’re faced with so many options. What does your ideal place look like? Feel like? What are the quirky things that mean a lot to you, like a bookshelf over your bed, or the remote control bed lights, or the index cards taped to the walls with sayings you want to remember.

There’s beauty in really making a place yours and making a home from nothing, little by little over time. (Key phrase there is little by little: I’ve told the story of how I’ve cried in the middle of a Marshall’s aisle because I couldn’t decide which garbage can to pick out for my bedroom. Fast forward– I’ve now got the perfect one for my tastes; the answer was IKEA.)

The beauty is in finding, perhaps for the first time, what you really like: what feels nice to you, what don't you care much about, and so on. That whole journey of discovery: it’s a lot. It can be overwhelming at first, especially if you left that part of the “cozying/decorating the home” part to someone else in the past (raising my hand).

Really settling into what you like and reflecting that in the environment around you without needing to justify it to anyone, that’s precious. On top of that, the beauty about being single is everything is always right where you left it.

Singleness doesn’t mean you failed or have no worth as a partner 

Being single WOULD suck if I looked at it like evidence that I’m a shitty partner or doomed to have failed relationships. 

But none of that is actually true. In fact, that’s no more true than it is to assume that everyone in a relationship is in a happy and healthy one–I’d venture to say a high majority are not. A relationship isn’t a measure of success, just as much as the end of a relationship isn’t a measure of failure. Sometimes a relationship ending is the absolute best thing that can happen– and that’s a huge win. So let’s not think of relationships automatically equalling “success” or happiness, because they’re not. And in the same way, singleness isn’t a failure. 

To me, I’d much rather be single than just playing house in a relationship that isn’t actually helping me be a better version of myself. 

Don’t get me wrong, being single can be tough sometimes. Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship before, there are plenty of things I miss (I’ll be writing a whole article on that, too, lest you get a one-sided picture). But overall, I’d say people don’t realize what a goldmine of opportunity they have when they're single, and how to take advantage and fully appreciate it. 

Other perks to being single: 

Here’s some little perks of being single that I’ve grown to appreciate: 

• Think about it, you don’t need to worry about checking in with anyone before you make plans. You can be as spontaneous or as calculated as you want to be.

• You can try new things without needing to convince anyone why it’s a good idea.

• You don’t need to argue about the TV being on when you’re trying to sleep. Or about the other person’s alarm that’s going off when you still have another hour before you need to wake up.

• You don’t need to pester them about where they left the TV remote and why they don’t just put it back on the table when they’re done every time. If the remote is missing, it’s because I haven’t used it in a while, as it’s not my go-to way to zone out at the end of the day. And it’s nice to not need to negotiate that with someone else. 

• Some days you just need the quiet to hear yourself think, and being single is good for that. 

“What are you in the mood to eat?”

I’ll admit that I’ve been one of those people in a relationship for whom the question, “What are you in the mood to eat?” rarely has a definitive answer. There’s so many options, it’s hard to decide! But in being single, I’ve learned how to tune in a little better to really ask myself, What do I want? And realizing that there is no right or wrong answer. (To my future partner who won’t have to worry about the annoying, “I don’t know, whatever you want,” response to that question every night for dinner…you’re welcome.)

When you’re single, you can also eat right out of the Ben and Jerry's pint without that judging look from your partner.

When you’re single, you can decide on a random Wednesday to make a vanilla berry trifle cake for the first time (done that) and not need to justify or explain yourself. Sometimes it’s just because.

Singlehood and dating

I plan to write a full article on this because there’s plenty to say just on this subject, but in short– yes, dating is a big part of being single and sometimes, it sucks. It can be really deflating and take the energy out of you (speaking from personal experience). 

The thing I’ve reminded myself is that dating is but one component of singlehood. In other words, the goal of being single isn’t to date and eventually find a partner. The goal of being single is to find the best version of myself, that will then naturally attract the right people to my life, whether meaningful friendships or a partner. 

While dating can be deflating with dud after dud of bad encounters that leave me wishing I had that hour back in your life, they again help refine what’s important to me. What was it about that date that I didn’t like? What did I learn from that person that I know I don’t want in a partner? What does it feel like in my body when I’m not interested?

And then, every now and then, I’ll meet someone who really turns on the lights, so to speak. I’m  excited and feel alive and energized and can’t help but naturally be attracted to want to spend more time with them. Those encounters (whether they amount to anything or not) are just as important: What's the feeling in my body when I’m really interested in someone? How can I tell? What do I notice about how I present myself in those moments? Do I feel nervous, or in the moment? Am I able to be brave and say what I really think or feel, or do I hold back?

This is just a glimpse of it, but the important thing here is–dating is a classroom. Make sure you’re learning the lessons. Each date, no matter how it goes, has a lesson.

Singlehood and having fun

Being single for me, is about finding myself, having fun, and exploring. It’s about seeing what makes me come alive, and learning what doesn’t quite do it for me, too. There’s so much fun to be had. So many new experiences to dive into. I’ve been having a blast. 

The thing I think many people get hung up on is waiting until they have a partner to do a lot of fun and adventurous things, as if it’s only worth doing if there’s a partner there doing it with them. 

I totally see it differently. I view those people as the people who are waiting at the train station for the train to pick them up so they can speed off somewhere fun and magical. Whereas, I’d rather not wait around. I’m already on the road, even if it's solo, making my own memories that I’ll be glad to share with someone when we find each other along the way. I think the best way to find someone you really click with isn’t to stand still, thinking that’ll help you not pass by them, but to run as fast as you can, and see who else is running at same pace with you along the way. At that point, you’ll already have all the momentum behind you to travel to some really amazing places together.

But more importantly, it’s not about going on the trek to meet someone– it's about going on the trek because that’s where my most authentic self is, so whether I find someone there or not, it’s going to be worth the journey.

That’s my outlook on being single. And with all that, I’m only more convinced that being single is totally underrated.

(Stay tuned! My next piece is about the flip side of being single: all those things I miss about being in a relationship. One of these viewpoints isn’t “right” and the other “wrong.” To me, they’re both valid, and I resonate with both of them.)