Thoughts on Being Clean for 11 Years

When people ask what it’s like having been clean for over a decade, it’s a loaded question. It’s hard to sum it all up in a simple response. It’d be like asking someone, “So, you’ve been alive for a few years now, what do you think of this whole being human thing?” 

The answer could never encapsulate the full experience since being clean and being in recovery affects every area of my life. Still, I can pull out a few things that are top of mind for me as I celebrate 11 years clean today. The thoughts I share here are mine alone, they don’t necessarily represent the views of any specific group or organization. 

Being in recovery is something to be proud of, not ashamed of  

For some people, being in recovery or calling themselves a recovering addict is something that carries a shame about it–something bad that they don’t want other people to find out. 

For me, recovery is something I take immense pride in. Yes, it only came about because I needed a solution to the really dire problem of my addiction slowly taking over my life, but now, I can reap the benefits of being a recovering person. It’s like it gives me a superpower! 

The thing is, in recovery (not merely abstinence, there’s a difference, more on that below) I need to proactively work on myself. I need to learn how to cope with life and deal with whatever feelings come up on a daily basis if I want to stay clean and not default back to using. The magic is that in learning how to healthily cope with life and actually feel feelings (instead of numbing or running from them), I’ve found a lot of peace. I’ve become a well-functioning member of society, and someone that people want to be around.

Active recovery is a path to becoming an overall better person—a more true version of myself.

I am so grateful to have a program and community of like minded recovering people to help me do that.

In the same way that all of my life was affected (in mostly damaging ways) by my addiction, every area of my life benefited from recovery. It impacts everything in my life - my health, my relationships, my work, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my life choices, and so on. Recovery touches every area of my life in a positive way. And that’s more reason for me to be proud of all the ways I can see that recovery benefits me today.

Recovery and abstinence aren’t the same thing

To hit on the point I made above, recovery isn’t the same as just not using. Not using is just the beginning, the first step on the path of recovery. If I really want to stay clean, heal, and not cause the damage to myself or others that I had been in my active addiction, I need to dig in the trenches and figure out what drove me to use it in the first place. 

What feelings am I unwilling to feel? What are the unresolved traumas or pains that I need to heal and let go of? What are some of my patterns that I need to take responsibility for and do something different about?

While recovery isn’t possible unless I’m abstinent, quitting using is just the tip of the iceberg. Doing the work to stay clean and find a new way to live– that’s the work of the long game of recovery. 

Recovery provides me tools—but it’s up to me what I build

The funny thing about being in recovery is that it doesn’t promise all these great things, like that once I quit using it I'll get a great job, make lots of money, find a perfect partner, get a house, have a happy family, and on and on.

It actually promises none of that. 

So you might think, “What gives? Sounds like a lousy deal if working recovery isn’t going to promise all those things that’ll make your life better.”

I thought that at first, too, especially for a program that’s going to take so much work and effort. The thing is though, the program only promises to give me the tools to get through life without needing to get high.

It just gives me the tools to live a life without needing drugs, but it doesn’t promise anything about what those tools will help create in my life. I look at it like the program gives me a hammer, a screwdriver, and a saw–what I build with those tools is completely up to me.

It puts the responsibility on me and the freedom to choose how I want to use the tools I’ve acquired. The sky's the limit!

There’s a magic in connectedness 

I can look back and confidently say that there is no way I’d be clean today if not for the love and support of other people in my recovery community. Left to my own devices, I don’t always have the best plans or ideas of how to cope with something. I need people I trust to bounce things off of when there might be something in my blindspot that I don’t see.

I can go on and on about the spirit of connecting with other people, but I’ll keep it short and sweet with this: My greatest successes and my hardest moments have all been shared with other recovering people I’ve grown to love, trust, and see as family.

We help each other get through the highest highs and the lowest lows. And by doing it together, we have the comfort of knowing that no matter what we go through, we’re never alone.

Two chapters of recovery, so far

In some ways, I look at the past 11 years and it feels like such a long time. After all, I was an 18-year-old kid who really didn’t know too much about living life at all when I got clean.  In other ways, though, it feels like it was just yesterday when I was resistant in saying how I wasn’t ready to commit to recovery being the priority in my life. 

It’s been a long trek.  What’s really cool is when I think of the past 11 years, it almost feels like the first 9 were one chapter, and the past 2 years were a chapter unto themselves. The amount of growth and peace and freedom in just the last 2 years I’d say is probably more than all I’ve had in the nearly decade before that.

It’s a beautiful thing to be at a new stage in my recovery where I’m learning deeper ways to live by the spiritual principles of the program. Who knows how many chapters will be in this book I’m living, but I’m loving it!

You’re never “out of woods” with addiction

This is key. People hear you have 11 years and automatically talk about addiction as if it’s this thing in the past and that you’ve overcome it.

That’s not the case for me. There’s no cure for addiction. It’s still right there, waiting for any opportunity to find its way back in my life and to destroy all that I’ve built.

(If you’re looking to learn more about what I mean, I wrote more about this here: The hibernating beast—and another way.) 

So for me, yes, I have some time and experience under my belt with staying clean under a wide variety of circumstances, but by no means do “I got this” in a way that I can take my foot off the gas in doing the things that have gotten me this far. 

Think of it like working out

Picture it like someone spending months working out and eating right so they can get a six pack. Once they’ve gotten it, they can’t say, “Okay, now I’m done” and start eating like crap and expect to keep their abs. They need to continue doing the basics that got them there. 

Today’s results are only temporary, based on the work we did yesterday.

That’s why I take it day by day. A decade of cleantime means nothing if I don’t stay clean today. So that’s my focus. One day at a time.

There is always hope

Thanks for reading. If you or someone you know someone is struggling with addiction, just know that there is help out there, no matter how dire the situation may seem. And there is so much hope for a better life. So much hope.