Simply, because my life is better without it. 

I’m not saying that’s the case for everyone or that I judge people who do choose to live that lifestyle. I’ve gotten to a place in my recovery where I don’t really miss drinking or getting high all that much. I’ve traded in those things and gotten so many better gifts in return that I wouldn’t think of trading them back. 

(For the purpose of this article, I use “drink” and “drug” and “being drunk” and “being high” interchangeably. At the end of the day, I don’t distinguish between one or the other, just like I don’t distinguish between “hard” or “soft” drugs– they’re all bad for me.)

I have an allergic reaction to drinks/drugs

I look at it like an allergy: If I’m allergic to peanuts, I don’t judge people who eat peanuts. And I’m not jealous of them, either. I just do what I need to do to take care of myself to live the best life possible. 

In the same way: I’m an addict, which means that I’m allergic to drugs and alcohol. Only, instead of breaking out in hives, my allergy has me break out into being an angry, fearful, self-centered version of myself. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

Other people may not have that same allergic reaction, but I do. 

Getting high wasn’t an experience, but a solution

There’s a saying I’ve heard in the recovery community:

“For non-addicts, getting high is an experience.

For addicts, getting high is a solution.”

I relate with that. Getting high was my solution to the problem that was me. It was my way of coping with feeling so out of place in my own skin. I had so much hatred and disgust for myself and the life I was living. And there was so much unresolved trauma and pain. 

Living in my own head 24/7 was so exhausting, and getting high was a way out where I didn’t need to feel or think about it.

The only thing is, the drugs only work so well to numb out the pain. The deep hurt and confusion would still be there until they’re actually addressed. For me, that meant it required me to be high as often as I could to numb out the background noise of my painful life. And then, being high starts to create problems of its own. But I still couldn't stop on my own, even though it was hurting me even more. (That’s the definition of addiction– not being able to stop even though it’s causing pain.)

Face problems instead of running from my pain

Today, I get to face my pain head on and that’s led to a lot of freedom and healing. If I was still getting high or drinking, there’s no way I’d have the courage to do the soul searching work that I do. 

It’d sound much easier to just grab just a couple drinks to try to forget about my problems.

Once I start, I can’t stop

On that note, since I’m an addict, there’s no such thing as “just a couple” of anything. If it makes me feel good, I want more of it. Even if it starts to cause me and those around me more pain at the end of the day. 

So accepting that my brain is hardwired in an addictive way that makes it so that I can’t stop makes it a lot easier to not start up again. 

I can sit with my feelings today

I don’t drink anymore because I don’t need to. It doesn’t do anything for me. Why would I? 

• To unwind from a long week? I have my own way of unwinding. 

• To reward myself or celebrate an accomplishment? I’d rather grab a nice dinner. 

• To loosen up on the dance floor? You should see my sober moves. 

• To feel more comfortable talking to people? That’s no longer a problem I have. 

• To feel less insecure on a date? I’d rather actually do the work to feel more secure in myself.

Being clean gives me a superpower that I have the confidence to know that I can sit with any feelings that come up for me. I don’t need to run away from difficult feelings or challenging moments. 

Why would I want to trade that ability for a beer (which tastes gross, by the way)?

I’m a better version of myself

Years into my recovery, I’ve really become a new person. Or, a better way of saying that might be that I’m becoming the best version of myself. More authentic, more free, more alive, and full of passion for living.

Most people who know me today didn’t know me back when I was getting high, but if they did, they wouldn't have even recognized me. I was a shadow of a person. Nothing that they see in me would they have seen back then–not the smile, the laugh, the energy, the people-person-ness, the confidence, the enthusiasm for life. 

And it makes me really proud to be someone who does the work it takes to be my authentic and free self today. Drinks and drugs only get in the way of that for me.

So I can think big thoughts and take them seriously

I can’t be the only person who got high and marveled at the wonder of the universe and asked all those existential questions, right? 

Talking about the planets and how we’re floating on a ball in the middle of space and the cosmic insignificance of it all, and what the real meaning of life is: All that stuff was what I’d spend hours mulling on in my head (instead of taking responsibility to actually deal with my tangible problems here on earth). 

Whenever I’d try to have a conversation with someone about those things, they’d write me off as a pothead having pothead-like thoughts. But those questions were really important for me. 

But now, clean and in recovery, I can think and talk about those things in a serious way. I can give full rational thought to them instead of fleeting ideas here and there with no action or impact on my actual life. 

Not feeling embarrassed for being giddy

You ever go out with a friend who gets a little too drunk, and you’re kind of embarrassed for them? 

It’s totally happened to me, where I’ve been on both sides of that fence. Today, I can take responsibility for my behavior, and maybe most importantly, I’m not embarrassed about myself anymore. 

A story from the post office this week

The other day I was at the post office and the clerk was laughing at me because I was so shocked and excited that it costs $1.40 to send a piece of mail (letter-size) to anywhere on the planet.

(I mean– think about that– that is wild! I can send something to Australia for a dollar! It would cost me over $1,000 to get my body there, but I can make a friend there and send a letter for just a buck? I mean, that’s a lot of miles. That’s just incredible.)

See? Don’t get me started. And the lady was looking at me laughing like something was wrong with me. (Or, ironically, like I was drunk.) It’s not my fault people don’t see the magic of living to the same degree I do.

Back in my drinking days, I’d be so embarrassed in that scenario (well, I probably wouldn’t have been that giddy from the start, to be honest). The other day, I left that post office high on life! Excited at the possibility of making friends and pen pals on the other side of the planet, on a budget!

All that being said, I’m freaking giddy about life today. I do a dance under my sheets when I get into bed every night because it’s one of my favorite parts of the day. I get excited about little things that most people wouldn't think twice about. I’m just so happy to be here.

It’s so nice to be authentically happy, and to not have my giddiness on a regular basis be from an external substance that I’m reliant on. 

It feels really good to have built a life that I’m really happy with, and that I don’t need to have a drink to celebrate– chocolate does the trick just fine. ;)

It gives me an attitude of gratitude

Today I have a passion for living. It feels me with an energy and zest for who I get to be and all that I get to experience. I have an attitude of gratitude just to have another chance at this whole life thing.

I know I’ve found something that most people don’t have. Most people don’t consciously live with that joy and feeling of gratitude every day. By being in recovery, it’s a fundamental part of who I am today. 

As author Tim Ferriss says, “If you don't appreciate what you have now, you'll never appreciate what you get later.”

I’m so glad I don’t have to live on the hamster wheel of chasing the next thing to make me happy. And not needing a drink or drug to be happy about my life is a key part of my gratitude. 

I have principles and values to live by

Through my recovery program, I’ve gained a higher set of principles to live my life by. Whereas before I was caught in self-centered fear, I can now practice honesty, openmindedness, willingness, service, love, trust, and more. 

These are principles and values to live my life by that guide me in difficult moments. By having set spiritual principles and values that I consciously live my life by, it makes it easier to know the “right” thing to do in most situations because I can check it through these principles I already live by. 

And it means I’m responsible for my life and don’t need to put myself in situations I regret. I don't have many things that keep me up at night swirling in my head about something I wish I didn’t do, or something I need to manipulate or control into getting my way. 

This isn’t to say I’m perfect and that I don’t make mistakes, but they’re definitely a lot less times that I cause people harm today, and when I do, I’m able to practice responsibility and take accountability to clean up any mess that I might make.

No need to wonder what I did last night

I don’t miss not knowing what happened last night, and hearing stories from other people. I don’t miss being drunk and saying something out of line. I don’t miss waking up on the lawn. I don’t miss the depression I’d fall into and feel like there was nothing I could do differently. 

I don’t miss that feeling that I was hiding from the painful things in my life, hoping they wouldn’t catch up with me.

Today, as author Tara Brach talks about, I sit down and have tea with those parts of myself so that I can be whole again.

There’s no need to escape: I’m comfortable being comfortable 

By not needing to drink, it means I can face uncomfortability headfirst; I don’t need run from hard times. I also have a program of recovery and community around me that supports me in those moments so that it feels like we’re all in this together.

I know that there is no complacency in being clean in recovery– either I’m working on being a better version of me, or I’m falling backward– and the possibility of the latter is still terrifying for me.

I don’t get high because for me, that’s moving backwards. It’s saying that I need a crutch to get through daily life. For non-addicts, maybe that’s not the case. But for me, I know there’s no such thing as “social drinking”--I drink to escape. And then I need to escape over and over again.

I’ll be over here with my seltzer

I don’t have a problem being out with other people who are drinking. I just order my seltzer with lime or lemon, and if I’m feeling fancy, maybe an Arnold Palmer, and when I’m on vacation mode fancy, I’ll even get the rim coated with sugar (ohh yea getting fancy with my bad self!).

You don’t have to feel bad for me. I don’t mind being the Designated Driver. I’m not jealous. The life I get to live today because I’m clean and sober is worth it all, 100 times over. 

Do you have any questions about being clean and sober? Drop it in the comments. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m happy to share my personal experience if it might help someone else.