I was recently in NJ to spend a week with my friend Daniel who has prostate cancer. He’s also my sponsor, coach, mentor, and one of my closest friends. 

Daniel inspires me with how he’s going through this. He had surgery a few years back, but it came back and now requires 6 weeks of daily radiation. So I decided to stay with him for a week to help out. 

(Like me, Daniel can be a little too self-reliant sometimes and forget that it’s okay to ask for help, so I didn’t ask if he could use some support. I just told him I was coming and that he was going to have to deal with it—what a beautiful and hilarious relationship we have that he lets a young whippersnapper like me boss him around like this.)

Each morning we drove over an hour to his radiology appointment, grabbed some breakfast, maybe did some shopping, and came back home to recover and do it again the next day. In each of those drives together, I kept wondering, how does someone face cancer and still be so full of life, hope, and joy? How do they not let it define them? 

Here are the 7 things I learned that week about how Daniel manages to keep his spirit so bright even in tough times:

1. Be the one who laughs in the radiation clinic

Daniel is always a goofball and making jokes. Sometimes I forget how unique he is because I just get so used to it being who he is. But it became more clear how special he is when I walked in with him into the radiation waiting room. Immediately, I could just feel the heaviness in the room. Other patients were there and there was such a gloom, such a lack of hope and vitality. It was almost like the cancer already won, it already took their spirit. 

Then, in comes this 71-year old flaming flamboyant Spanish guy waving his wrist at the receptionists behind the glass saying with a high pitched, “Good morning!” 

Daniel taught me that you’re allowed to smile and laugh, even in those tough circumstances. And it’s not about pretending to be happy or just “thinking positive.” Daniel shows what happens when you do the work to cultivate a deep peace and inner acceptance with your place in the world. That even this circumstance can’t dim his light. His joy doesn’t come from an external situation or outcome, but just from his joy of being able to be on this ride of a lifetime called being human.

2. Be of service to others

On more than one drive to the clinic or back, Daniel was on the phone with all different people to talk them off a ledge or offer support. So many people (like me) turn to him for his coaching, guidance, wisdom, and empathy. Even on his way to and from his appointments, he is able to show up for other people. Some people’s world’s can shrink when they’re living with cancer. It becomes all they can see. But Daniel uses his condition as another reminder of the most important things in life–living by the principles of unconditional love and acceptance. It reminds me to put myself in a position to help other people, even if I may not be feeling great about myself at the moment.

3. Be gentle with yourself 

Of course, this doesn’t mean there weren’t times when the radiation took its toll. There were days when he was tired, weak, and dizzy, in no position to show up for anyone but himself. In those moments, he’s able to be gentle with himself. He honors his body and what he needs, and doesn’t feel bad about giving himself that space or that rest that he needs. It’s not all about productivity. Sometimes, resting is the most productive thing we can do. 

4. Be open to learning

For someone in his 70s, you might assume he’d take his  foot off the gas in terms of learning and continuing to develop and invest in himself. Not for Daniel. He has such a hunger for learning. After his radiation appointments, you’ll find him attently tuned into physics webinars and lecturers talking about alternative universes, physics, gay liberation, and scientific breakthroughs. Daniel teaches me the thirst for learning and growing doesn’t need to end with age, or with cancer. Learning keeps our brains healthy and our emotional outlook to life as if it’s a book that we can’t stop reading. There’s still so much life to be lived, and if Daniel can say that, it definitely applies to me, too.

5. Don't be afraid to ask for help

Like I mentioned before, part of the reason I so value being able to be there for Daniel is because we’re a lot alike–it can be tough for us to ask for help. Fortunately, that helps me see right through him and be able to call him on his bullshit. I don’t need to ask him if he needs something, because I know he’s too worried about inconveniencing me to ask for it himself. Helping him gives me an opportunity to be of service (#2). And it’s a reminder that people genuinely want to show up for me, too, if I just let them. 

6. Go on a midnight dessert run 

One of the nights I was with Daniel, we were both lying around watching TV when at the same moment, we each had an awakening come down on us from the heavens that we needed something sweet for dessert. But there was nothing in the house. Within 3 minutes, we were in my car, in our PJs and a coat, on our way to beat the supermarket before it closed, laughing the whole way there. 

Those little moments of serendipity are underrated. Moments where it doesn’t have to be logical, it doesn’t have to make sense. But you can just lean into joy and fun. I have so much fun with Daniel. (And we both share a troublesome sweet tooth.)

7. Have something to look forward to

Daniel is going to be spending a few months in South America later this year. At first it was just an idea, but now it’s a plan that’s actually in the works and being realized. You can see how having that pull in the future, something to be excited about, shows up in his daily life. Even in the moments when the radiation is taking a toll, it gives him something to push forward for, and something to focus on and be excited about. He reminds me that, regardless of the circumstances, the best is still yet to come. 

Which of these points resonated most with you? I’d love to hear.