A year ago, you wrote down a promise. You said: This is going to be the best year of my life. I guarantee it.

That sure seems bold for someone who has absolutely no idea and no control over what's going to happen over the course of a year, but you said the point wasn't to feel good. You said the point was to feel. 

Well, we sure did that. 

You felt that inescapable heaviness that comes with heartbreak. You felt the shock and hurt that comes with betrayal. You had days where the biggest struggle was just to get out of bed in the morning, because you wished you could sleep forever.

You felt anger, the kind when you don’t even realize you’ve been clenching your jaw for so long, until it starts to get sore.

You had that feeling of shame, like there’s nowhere safe to hide for even just thinking some of the things that you thought. 

You had those moments where you have something you need to say, and you can barely speak, your throat is caught, your hands are trembling, and you worry if anyone notices the pulse that feels like it’s pounding outside of your neck.

Yea. There were some low lows.

But you also felt joy and peace like you’ve never experienced before. You felt that rush through your veins that comes with abounding gratitude. And that feeling where there’s all this overflowing love that you don't even know what to do with it. 

You had moments of excitement of butterflies in your chest. You had those times you laughed so hard it hurt your stomach, but yet you still couldn’t stop. You felt freedom in the simplicity of being okay, right where you were. 

Despite all of it, you showed up with such dignity and grace. I'm so fucking proud of you. 

Through it all, you were right: this was the best year of my life. 

The only thing that tops that is that this year is going to be even better. Because I don't need to look for anything to make me happy or whole or worthy. I've already found it.

I found you.

I just think you're so freakin cool and hilarious and brilliant. I can't get enough of you. 

Look, I know I have not always been there for you the way that you've needed me, and you were so alone for so long. I am so grateful that you hung in there long enough for me to find you. 

I promise, I will never let you go.

I am so lucky that I get to wake up each day, with your spirit inside of me. Let’s go do this life thing together, because there is so much good to come. And we are just getting started.

I love you so much. 

Happy Birthday, Jols.